least sexy performance: bisphenol-a

Bisphenol-A (BPA) began her career as an estrogen impersonator in the 1930s, making her a true grandame of the craft. She evolved into an incredibly versatile actor, now appearing in many major productions, including food packaging, water bottles, receipt paper, construction epoxies and more.  All this exposure, along with her off-screen drama of heart disease, reproductive problems, cancer, thyroid issues, plus highly publicized dalliances with decreased sex drive, obesity and autism has led to audience, reviewer, and producer fatigue; new leading ladies have been found for some roles, and are actively being sought for others.

  • She found leading roles with nearly every major manufacturer in rigid plastics used for baby bottles, sports water bottles, water coolers, toys, DVDs and more, flexible epoxies used to line canned foods and construction materials, and in the printing industry in toners and the coatings for thermal receipt paper.
  • Given her ability to mimic hormones, this contamination has resulted in diabetes, obesity, predispositions to breast and prostate cancer, and heart disease.  Her male leads have grown increasingly concerned about working with her; close contact has lead to erectile dysfunction.
  • As of 2009, over 90% of independent reviews have identified significant problems, while every single industry-funded piece has done nothing but sing her praises.
  • She has been simultaneously losing favor among producers, who recognize that their audience has grown weary with her off-screen drama.  Already, Eden Foods, Muir Glen, ConAgra and Whole Foods have announced re-casting efforts.

Learn more at Plastic Pollution Coalition and Clean New York.

Actor: Clara Gabrielle.  Photo by: Francisco Cortinas, Patricia Mateos Ballestero.